BPS JPT FOR YOU: Think someone's going to pop the question, but you're not ready? How to Reject a Marriage Proposal

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Think someone's going to pop the question, but you're not ready? How to Reject a Marriage Proposal

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Think someone's going to pop the question, but you're not ready? How to Reject a Marriage Proposal: "

The fairytale suggests that 'yes, oh, yes!' is the only answer to ever give to a proposal of marriage. Yet, there are many good reasons for rejecting a proposal, ranging from your uncertainty, to not knowing one another enough, to wondering if the person asking really means it. So, the next time someone proposes and it just doesn't feel right, avoid saying yes to please them, only to break it off later and get it right from the outset.

Steps

Confirmed bachelor
Think about why you don't want to get married. If you're simply nervous about making such a big commitment (which is not uncommon) try reading the advice in How to overcome the fear of marriage. If you're concerned that you and your mate are not compatible in some way, it's important to address your worries as soon as possible (and long before your partner gets on bended knee).
- When dating, does this person feel like 'the one', or just someone you're having fun with for now? And does this person seem to be taking the relationship more seriously than you (warning bells)?
- Your own attitude about marriage. Is it something you want now or later or perhaps even never? Would you rather cohabit, live apart but in love, or have love by distance? If you have strong feelings about not getting married, it might be good to make this reality very clear early into the relationship.
- Is this a time in life where marriage would suit you or derail the path that you've set in mind for yourself?
- Are there things that would cause you to feel obliged to get married, no matter how you felt generally? For example, pregnancy, parental health, family ties, expectations, etc.?
- Have you taken the time to find out the things you need to know about someone you could potentially spend your life with? You need to know how they feel about running a household, politics, religion, having kids, caring for elderly parents, spending habits, saving habits, passions and hobbies, career goals, approaches to disagreements, sharing work commitments, etc.
How do you think this would look on me some day?
Don't play along with the hints. Most people will test the waters before they propose. If your significant other raises the issue of marriage, even casually, voice any concern or hesitation then. Let's say you're talking about how much houses cost in the area, and your partner mentions that a particular house might be perfect for a newly married couple. Instead of just nodding and smiling, hint back: 'It'd make a great house for an unmarried couple too, don't ya think?'.
- If the hints start coming thick and strong, it's probably time for a discussion about where they're headed. Tell them that you're spotting a tendency to raise the subject of marriage a lot lately and that you'd like to clear the air before things go any further, to explain your own personal feelings about marriage and a future together.
Reflect a little on what you might say if the occasion rises...
Consider now the sorts of things you might reply to an unwanted proposal. It's not very effective to try and work it out on the spot and there's no harm in assuming you might well be in this position some day. Indeed, many people have a good inkling when someone is getting ready to propose and that's a really good time to be focusing on sorting out your replies! Here are the sorts of things that might be appropriate to say in response to an unwanted proposal (in each case, preface with telling the person why they're wonderful and why you like or love them before adding your rejection of the proposal):
- 'Thanks, that's a really amazing request to ask me. I need time to think about it though; it's not something I'd feel right saying yes to straight away. It's a bit of a surprise for me - would you mind if I take some time to think it over?'
- 'Thanks. That's the kindest thing that's ever happened to me. I do need time to think about it though. I haven't reached the same place as you in terms of how I see commitment and I will need time to think it over.'
- 'Thanks, I really love you for being so warm, generous, and caring to want me in your life's plans, but I don't feel it's the right time for me yet.'
- 'Thanks. You mean the world to me but right now I'm not ready to make a deeper commitment; I feel I'm still getting to know us better.'
- 'Thanks - that's a lovely thing to ask me. Trouble is, I planned to not get married, ever. Perhaps we can consider moving in together instead?'
- 'Thanks, that's incredibly wonderful of you but I have so many questions that I've yet to ask you that I'm not sure of our future compatibility yet. Maybe this is a really good time for us to sit down and talk about the basics of spending a life together, from finances to kids. Until I know all of these things about you, I'm not ready to jump in just yet.'
I'll marry you if your salary increases...
Avoid making conditional agreements. Love isn't conditional, so telling your partner that you'll say 'yes, if...' is not about love but about placing conditions on your future love together. Instead, ask for more time to work out what it is that makes you want to reply conditionally; most likely that's telling enough for you to respond negatively.
If you are proposed to in private, try not to smile. If your mate has gone as far as to pop the question, they are assuming you will say yes, and your smiling will only confirm their hopefulness, which will make the shock of your rejection greater. Look in your partner's eyes tenderly, put your hand over theirs, and explain why you don't want to get married. If you are in public when proposed to, however, it might be better to give your partner a hug (still not smiling), take his or her hand, and walk to where you can privately say no.
- The hug is a way to acknowledge that you're touched by your partner's gesture, but it's not necessarily a yes. Hopefully, it is enough to make anyone who's watching lose interest and go back to doing whatever they were doing, which will help ease any embarrassment for your mate.
- Avoid cracking jokes or being witty. This is a solemn, fragile moment of deep vulnerability and jokes or witty remarks can sting. If you must use humor, be sure to focus it on yourself only.
Respond to their unhappiness and confusion. It's likely that the person proposing has put in a lot of effort to asking, including purchasing a ring in some cases and thinking through the depths of why they want to spend the rest of their life with you. Letting down their unhappiness gently isn't going to be easy but you can help. These are the sorts of things that should help:
- Give them space if they request it. Don't hassle them but let them know you'll be calling in or contacting them shortly (try to make it the same day or next morning).
- Suggest the two of you do something you both love doing. It will serve as a distraction and it will help the other person realize that you still care, it's just that you really did mean it when you said you needed time to think about it.
- Explain at length how your relationship with this person still matters a great deal and that your lack of readiness is just something that might change with time. Focus on how great they are, and how uncertain you about your own feelings as to where you are headed in life. Don't leave them feeling it's because they're not good enough.
Consider the way forward for both of you. Things can get really awkward from this point, or they can pick up as usual with good, caring approaches to continuing to nurture your love and relationship. If the proposer is able to accept that you genuinely do need more time and that the possibility of marriage some day still exists, or they're happy with the alternatives you've counter-proposed, then the relationship will likely remain strong and forge on. On the other hand, if this rejection opens a rift in your relationship and causes suspicion, anger, resentment, and lack of ease with one another's company, it may be time to reassess the purpose of staying together. It can be hard when someone really believes that they need to marry to be happy and you are looming as a stubborn obstacle in their way... Sum up your next steps by how well the proposer has coped, how well you have coped, and the comfortableness of the relationship post-proposal. However, it's recommended that you don't do anything drastic unless it's clear that this was a natural ending; it can take a few weeks before both of you have had a chance to sort through the post-proposal emotions.

Video

Tips

Accept that the emotions are running high. It takes guts to ask. That is partly why you are afraid to reject the proposal, for fear of upsetting the other person deeply. It also requires a lot of guts to avoid the easy path of accepting and later reneging. In accepting that this is a very emotional situation, you are giving yourself the right to feel confusion, awkwardness, and uncertainty.
Be careful if you're a woman and you spot the ring. The ring is no reason to say yes! It's the person proposing you're saying yes to, not the ring.

Warnings

Be fair and realistic. If this isn't the person you want to spend your life with, don't keep them hanging on to false hopes or vague comments that could be interpreted in many ways. It is kinder to make it clear that their marriage proposal has been the impetus for you to reassess the relationship altogether and realize that you don't envisage the two of you being together in the future. This will hurt but it is far better to be honest now than to keep them hanging on wondering. Tell him or her that 'it doesn't feel right' and be clear with your message.
Avoid saying yes only to let things drag on unspoken and not attended to. This is either a lazy or passive-aggressive response in which your lack of enthusiasm and action for wedding preparations results in the engagement proceeding no further. This will be frustrating, disheartening, and ultimately devastating for your partner who believes that you truly meant it when you agreed to marry them. This problem often arises with live-in couples, who propose and the partner proposed to is half-hearted but wants to please without raising problems; often the reticent partner figures you're already living together, so why bother with additional expense and effort to prove a point you've already made!