BPS JPT FOR YOU: How to Reach Out to Someone Suffering from Family Violence

Saturday, November 27, 2010

How to Reach Out to Someone Suffering from Family Violence

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How to Reach Out to Someone Suffering from Family Violence: "

Knowing what to do when you find out or suspect that someone you know is suffering from domestic violence can be challenging. However, you can make a difference by reaching out to such a person provided you know how to go about doing so. One action or comment can make a huge amount of difference in the life of someone suffering from domestic violence, and may be the impetus they need to seek help for their situation.

While you can't solve their problem for them, you can be a source of support, solace, and care and you may be the first and only person who has cared enough to reach out. Here are some suggestions on ways you might be able to reach out to such a person – remember, family violence is wrong, and it is everybody's business.

Steps

Learn what family violence is. Family and domestic violence consists of: the use of violence, abuse, or intimidation used to control or manipulate a partner, family member or other household members. It can include ex-partners as well as current partners. The types of controlling behavior involved can be physical, sexual, verbal, and emotional, including threats, put-downs, cutting off access to finances, and preventing the victim(s) from having contact with others in society.^[1] It impacts all ages, from children to the elderly, it impacts heterosexual and homosexual couples, it impacts all races, and it can be perpetrated against all or some members of the household.
Stand in the other person's shoes so that you can understand how they feel. Many victims of domestic violence feel a sense of shame, loneliness, anger, and naturally, fear.^[2] And the perpetrators rely on using fear, shame, intimidation, and guilt to wear down the victim until she or he can no longer think straight.^[3] It's important to understand this rather than viewing the victim as being secretive, evasive, or complicit in what is happening.
- The majority of victims of domestic violence report appreciating it when someone cares enough to reach out to them. If you're tempted to turn away, seeing the problem as none of your business, bear in mind that the victims will often be hoping for external support and that reaching out is an act of caring.
Learn the signs. Although it's not as simple as checking off a list, the following signs can help you put together a broader picture of what might be going wrong for this person in their home environment:^[4]^[5]
- The person seems fearful, nervous, sad, angry, and walking on eggshells.
- The person is really worried about how their partner will react if they're discovered talking. They also seem overly willing to do everything their partner asks, being anxious and afraid to please their partner, and even reporting back often to their partner when they're at work, out, etc. They may make comments about the partner's possessiveness, a bad temper, or jealousy.
- Their self-esteem is at its lowest ebb, they lack confidence. There may be signs of a complete personality change from a once confident and outgoing person to a withdrawn, sullen, and anxious person.
- They keep to themselves, deliberately isolating themselves from others and don't want you visiting.
- They're secretive and reluctant to talk.
- If they have children, the children may be fearful, quiet and withdrawn, aggressive, or incredibly well behaved.
- Physical signs might include bruises, behavioral changes, and noticeable injuries. The victim may make attempts to dress in a way that covers this up, or have a raft of excuses for frequent injuries. The victim may miss social or work occasions without offering explanations.
Consider how you'll approach the situation. Obviously, it's important not to worsen the situation for the person, so don't do anything you think might provoke the partner or make things more difficult for the victim, or bring your own safety into question. Things you can do include:
- Calling the police if you witness or hear violence, or if you feel threatened. In the USA and Canada, call 911; in Australia call 000; in the UK, call 999; in New Zealand, call 111.
- If you're concerned about the situation but you don't think it's a crisis or high risk situation, consider contacting relevant government agencies.^[6] This can especially helpful if you don't know how to go about assessing the situation of your friend, neighbor, family member, etc., whom you suspect is in a violent situation.
- Look for a good opportunity or time to talk when the victim won't be put into an awkward situation. Perhaps look for opportunities away from the house, such as when out shopping, etc., or when their partner is out and you know there is a good, quiet time to sit down and have a chat together.
- Realize that any moves you make to reach out may be rebuffed initially, and that it may take time to develop a rapport and trust in which the victim feels safe enough to open up to you. Fall in with their pace, not with your own expectations.^[7]
Find your own way to reach out. The most important thing about reaching out is to understand that there isn't a rule book of the perfect or right way to offer your support. Reaching out requires being prepared to do what feels right to help a person in trouble, to do the best that you can without endangering yourself or the victim. Some possible ways that you might be able to reach out include:^[8]
- Pointing out that you've noticed things, and that you're concerned. Reassure the person that you'll keep everything between the two of you but that you're around to help when needed.
- Listening. Without being judgmental, offering advice, or trying to solve anything, simply listening can be incredibly therapeutic for a victim. It can give them an opportunity to use you as a sounding board in which they have space to vent their feelings and fears, as well as coming to some of their own conclusions about what is happening to them.
- Confirming or validating. Be the person who confirms that what is happening isn't right and that it isn't normal to live this way. It may come as a surprise to some victims that their experience is not normal, often because they have nothing else to gauge the behavior against, and because they've become so heavily embedded in the shame and challenges of the experience.
- Being available, anytime. Offer your place, your strength, anytime, as a source of refuge, care, and respite, with no questions asked, just lots of support. Just let the person know that your door is always open if needed.
- Providing babysitting. If there are children involved, offer to care for them, or some of them, when the victim needs a break and some time to think.
- Providing resources. Do the research that they might not be able or willing to do. Look up the phone numbers of a refuge, lawyer, counselor, and any other service that might help. Simply write these down and give them to the victim at a time that seems right. Give them details of where to go if things reach crisis point. Sometimes it can also be appropriate to give pamphlets talking about family violence, to help the victim realize that she or he is not alone and that her or his experience is not unique.
Don't over think it. Worrying about what to say can hold you back indefinitely. When you know something is not right, just take it easy and approach the situation with thoughtfulness and concern for the person in question. Keep in mind:^[9]
- Give support, not advice. Until the victim is out of the violent situation, advice will not be heeded and can cause the victim to turn away from you because it will come across as being superior or meddlesome. Moreover, your advice may not be anywhere near appropriate unless you're across all of the facts, something that will be pretty hard if you're just seeing signs and glimpses of family violence. Remember that while the solution may be obvious to you, it won't be so easy or clear-cut for the victim.
- Persevere. Say hello regularly and don't give up. It might be nothing more than hello for a time but you may well be the only person bothering to say hello and eventually, that may really matter. Just keep trying to open lines of communication and don't take rebuffs personally.
- Focus on the behavior, not the people. This isn't about deriding any person for who they are; it's about challenging the wrongness of the violent behavior that is going on. If you approach it with this in mind, you can skirt around the natural defensiveness that a co-dependent victim will feel despite the violent behavior she or he is experiencing.
Reach out when it's appropriate to do so. Choose a quiet time, not a time when it's clear that tempers are flaring and violence is occurring. If you do witness, hear, or suspect violence is occurring, don't get yourself into the thick of it. Call the police and ask them to come over immediately.
- Angry, drunk, and drugged people who are venting rage are dangerous. Place your own safety first and don't get in the way. You risk being hurt and escalating the violence.
Expect rejection, especially initially. As explained throughout the article, family violence is complex and leaves the victim feeling a mixture of shame, fear, defensiveness, uncertainty, low self-esteem, and inability to be decisive. Even though a victim may be deeply scared, the fear of being caught talking to someone and being viewed as disloyal can override the need to connect with others. It isn't as simple as noticing what's wrong and having the courage to leave it, so don't assume that reaching out will be easy either. All the same, that's no reason not to try!
- Avoid taking rejection or having anger hurled back at you, as personal. It isn't; it's the fear, anger, and confusion talking to you, not a person in their fully rational state of mind.
- Back off for a time but persevere gradually. Continue to let the victim know you're there. The more support offered, the more the victim can begin to feel reassured enough to start the long journey of thinking about how to change things, such as by leaving (and it's possible they're unconsciously testing you to see if you'll remain true even though they're pushing you away). Leaving a person they love even though that person is harming them is a big decision for most victims, and it can take a long time to come to it as being the choice they need to make.
- Be their friend. Let them know that anything they tell you is confidential, always. Part of their fear may lie in the worry that you'll run off to the authorities.
Support the victim's choices and decisions. Do what you can to enable their decisions and to help them find a better way forward.

Video

Tips

Although you promise to keep things confidential, you may have to break that promise, in order to protect the victim, if things become too dangerous for her or him.
Look online or in the phone book for people or places for your friend to stay at.
Reassure your friend that it is the fault of the perpetrator's bad behavior, not your friend, who is the victim. Remind them that abuse is never okay, and that help is theirs for the asking.^[10]
In some countries, a victim who leaves a perpetrator can be eligible for a special payment, such as the crisis payment in Australia. Be sure that the victim is aware of the safety nets available if she or he chooses to leave the violent situation.

Warnings

The perpetrator(s) may try to get back at you for helping the victim, in some way.
Children should never be left in situations of violence; ensure their safety, even if this overrides the wishes of the victim and/or perpetrator.
Know what to avoid: Don't judge or assign blame; don't pressure the victim; don't wait for the victim to open up or to come to you; don't give advice; and don't give conditional support.^[11]